


i have loved you since we were eighteen

by karass



Series: resfeber (after midnight) [1]
Category: NCT (Band), SM Rookies
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Idols, Cheesy, Coming of Age, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Romance, Time Skips, Trainee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:21:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24371215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karass/pseuds/karass
Summary: As New Years' Day of 2025 is approaching, Johnny looks back at all his memories of Ten and the defining moments of the past decade as he prepares to embark on a new chapter of his life.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Series: resfeber (after midnight) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759624
Comments: 12
Kudos: 89





	i have loved you since we were eighteen

**Present Day, November 2024**  


Johnny's hands are beyond clammy, they're sticky and for once it's not because of the blistering Manhattan sun. After All it’s Thanksgiving evening and disregarding their rigorous and meticulous protocols prior and after the Macy’s Day Parade, it’s still not the reason that Johnny is antsy. It's because of Chittaphon, it's always because of Chittaphon. There has not been a day that's passed where Johnny's heart doesn't race because of him no matter how far apart they are.

The feeling has always been there, from the moment they met that fateful day in their dorm on a strange windy May night. Johnny remembers the day as a day of mixed emotions, EXO had gotten their first win with Overdose the night of and frankly it’s impossible to deny how he couldn’t help but grit his teeth as he saw his former peers on stage performing and subsequently celebrating as confetti shot up in the air. The feeling of missing out evident.

It’s not easy to think about it, and it’s been 11 years. Johnny thinks as he walks solemnly, admiring the bustling New York enigma that’s so signature to the city. Mark is on his right and as much as the younger male is smiling, he knows that it’s a facade to hide the anxiety that’s chipping off of him. Johnny understands, it’s risque and it’s not like the Canadian boy to go against the company. But at times like this, you have to take a leap.

“Hyung, you sure about it?” It’s Mark, his words are meek as they arrive at the door of the private jeweller that Johnny’s yearned for months to visit.

Johnny tilts his head to see a glimpse of the younger’s face and he grips Mark’s shoulders tightly in an affectionate manner. He bites his lip, it’s been insane to see him grow up, it seemed like it was only yesterday that he was showing him around Myeongdong for the best ramen places when he arrived from Vancouver for the very first time. They both know the answer to the question that Mark had inquired about, however, Johnny can’t help but answer.

“Yes.” His response is brief but it’s so certain, something that Mark doesn’t see much in Johnny. Because if anything could be used to describe the older, it’d be indecisive and impulsive, not that they’re necessarily bad traits to have. Nonetheless, when it comes to proposing to the apparent love of your life, it sort of is.

The moment they exit the shop, Johnny’s pocket is slightly heavier, courtesy of a certain navy blue velveteen box. However their mouths are pointing upwards so it’s easy to consider the visit a success. This definitely means they’re going to have a meal at the noodle place in the Upper West Side where it’s not too expensive but hits the spot.

Things might just be looking up for Johnny.

☆ 

**Past, May 2013**  


The other trainees know, they see it in his eyes, the amount of sheer regret that shone through Johnny’s eyes was an undeniable sight. Yuta knew it, Hansol knew it, Taeyong knew it, and so did everyone else in the dorm. Yet no one dares to say a word as they arrive back at their dorm and a rerun of the broadcast is blaring on full volume on the shitty television that adorned the makeshift living room.

Everyone has their lips pursed as they attempt to make dinner or whatever 4 teenage boys can make with the sparse remains in their kitchen. Taeyong is practically considered a god in their dorm, and not for his skills in dancing and rapping. But because of the fact that he can whip up anything even if only several eggs, the dregs of a soy sauce bottle and ancient packets ramen is all that exists in their barren shelves.

The other boys are scattered like rain drops on a window sill across the sofa, some are watching a variety show that has Shin Dongyeob and several other familiar faces whereas the rest are on their phone mindlessly. Doyoung is on the phone in the other room and it’s sullen, the only noise is the television painting the atmosphere with animated Korean.

It’s Taeyong who bursts the silent as he’s whisking a bowl of eggs to make omelets, “So you guys remember that a new trainee is arriving later right?” His words are careful, they all know it’s a touchy subject, whenever fresh meat arrives, it’s always either a hit or miss. Thankfully, the past few have been nice enough.

A wave of ‘fuck’s and ‘shit’s splashes across the room as everyone gets out of their positions and start clearing up the dorm. Johnny’s designated to one of the many bedrooms, he’s supposed to sweep the floors. It’s a painless but fruitless task that they’ve learnt is useless considering living with two dozen boys in their teens is the equivalent to living in a zoo. He picks up Yuta’s sweat soaked tank top and Mark’s Gryffindor socks before throwing them in the laundry basket with a face of disgust.

The room’s a fucking mess but considering how he’s lived like this for a really long time, it’s not much of an issue to him. Johnny shrugs as he sits on his bed, burying his head on a pillow on his bed. He’s got the bottom bunk, right below Mark (“Hyung! I’m gonna die if you fall on me in the middle of the night!”) and it’s not hard to slide into his little nook. Frankly, Johnny doesn’t care about the new trainee, as long as he’s not as chatty as Donghyuck or as judgemental as Doyoung, he doesn’t mind.

The other boys aren’t all that bad, but it gets a bit much sometimes, it gets lonely having the only person to speak to properly being a 13 year old boy (“14 in 3 months!”) who’s got the most annoying laughter in the world. No offense, Mark. There have been moments where Johnny has considered going back to the States and signing up for university.

Considering his grades, he’s sure that he can get into any of the UCs without much effort. Maybe if he exaggerated some of the things on his application, he might even be the recipient of some scholarship. The ideas are there but they aren’t solid like any of his other plans. After all, universities love having an ‘interesting third culture kid’ to diversify their otherwise strictly white classrooms. Who fucking cares? As long as he can start afresh, away from Chicago and especially away from Seoul.

Johnny doesn’t realize that it’s been hours since he’s started stress-cleaning, a habit he’s picked up from Taeyong, inside his room (Technically shared room, thanks a lot to the three others) in complete silence. It’s almost a miracle how he hasn’t tried to eat something yet. But upon examining the hands of the Winnie the Pooh clock on the north wall of the room, he gives up on trying to fetch a bowl of food. Considering the rest have probably scarfed down whatever left-overs the more responsible ones saved from him. Albeit the circumstances, Johnny isn’t angry, he knows how hard times can get.

He’s awakened from his thoughts when the door creaks open and right when he’s about to shout at Jeno to quit opening the door to piss him off, a new face emerges. He has this jet-black mohawk with red streaks shuffled in and the most smug expression Johnny’s ever seen. It’s a picture though, it’s not the boy, it’s a printed photograph he’s holding up to his face. The American boy is frankly confused as he pushes away the piece of paper to see the actual boy himself and he can’t deny that he’s instantly smitten.

Fresh meat has a tuft of dark brown hair, slightly tanned skin and a faint smirk that is reminiscent of the boy in the picture. His cheeks are flushed and so are Johnny’s.

And that’s their first meeting, it’s so random but it’s so distinctly them. Plus it’s worth noting that Johnny will never let Ten live down his first impression of the Thai male. He remembers the days where he used to think that Ten was this pretentious fuck who loved to shove this cringey picture of himself up people’s throats. However, a few years down the road into their relationship, Johnny’s gotten a revelation that made him smile. It’s something so stereotypical SM Rookies that it makes his heart burst.

“Donghyuck printed this crap picture of me from my online apps.” Ten starts, they’re no longer stuck at some compulsory company dinner now that they’ve escaped from. IInstead they’re admiring the Seoul lights from the rooftop of the Gangnam office smoking cigarettes in silence, “He lifted his eyebrow up and practically said that I looked better in real life.”

His English used to have this slight British tinge to it that Johnny’s always found cute. But ever since he’s started working for Sean Miyashiro at 88Rising as a solo artist, the tinge has slowly faded into a full-blown American accent that Johnny’s grown to love. _Just like everything about Ten._

☆ 

**Present, November 2024**  


“What is this?” It’s Manager Jung, he’s tired and he knows exactly what the picture means but what he perceives it to be is irrelevant to the media. They all know that AllKpop, Soompi and Koreaboo are all going to take it and run their mouths about some non-existent girlfriend that Johnny has. It’s an excruciating example of heteronormativity but they all keep silent.

A printed photograph of Mark and Johnny entering the jeweller’s is slid across the table and the Canadian man instantly gulps but the American is mute, if anything his face is displaying notes of satisfaction. Manager Jung runs a hand through his hair before he takes a sip of his Americano, no sugar, no bullshit. He’s barely awake and he’s tired, they all are. It’s only 6 in the morning and they’re in New York for the millionth time in the span of the past year.

“Is it yours?” He gestures his head to Mark who shakes his head fervently, he’s only been dating this Swedish girl for half a year and they’re nowhere near tying the knot. “So it’s yours, Suh.” He sighs as he folds the picture to half and into squares, before placing it gingerly in his coat pocket.

It’s far too early and scheduling only begins at 10, Jung thinks that he’s working overtime in a sense but it’s only part of the job. It’s old fashioned but apparently that’s how American paparazzis work.

Johnny nods, Jung knows that he’s been dating Ten for nearly a decade now and he’s fine with it. Sure there was some doubt and hesitation in the beginning, but hey, Jung’s a millenial and he knows better than to be homophobic and unsupportive of their relationship. But with no prior conversations of engagements or marriage between the two of them, the jarring look on Jung’s face was something Johnny expected whole-heartedly.

“When are you planning to pop the question?” This time, the question doesn’t seem like it’s from a manager but from a friend, and subsequently Mark and Johnny breathe a sigh of relief.

“Hopefully during New Year’s when we’re all in Seoul.”

Mark smiles faintly, he understands the significance of the date but he keeps it to himself.

There’s a convulsing silence that spreads throughout the three of them, and it dawns on Johnny what his manager is about to say as he quickly reverts to his professional manner.

“You know that you both have to leave SM.”

It’s a bold conclusion yet it’s one of truth.

The statement is the reality that Johnny will have to force himself to adjust to. It’s something he’s tried so hard to grasp but it’s difficult. He’s spent more than half his life slaving away for the company and it’s insane to imagine his life not revolving around it but around Ten. It’s something he’s fantasized for so long but now that it’s so close, it’s only something that’s causing his heart to pound on his chest.

The American male quips his head to face Mark, the younger male is biting his lips, if this was happening a few years prior, he knows that Mark would be chalk white but time changes you. They all know the reality of their future. The Korean music industry is ruthless and as much as it claims to be modern and up with the times, it isn’t.

It’s something that’s controlled by a collective of conservative old men who bask in the hard work of hundreds of young hopefuls from an array of different backgrounds. It’s certainly something not so picture-perfect.

Johnny has spoken with Ten for years about this, about escaping the wretched dungeons of SM and opening up a little photography and dance studio in New York or California by themselves. It’ll be strenuous and it’ll require all their blood, sweat and tears, but it’ll be worthed. To finally be unabashedly themselves and have their turn to soak in their new life together, for once.

As much as Johnny despises SM and the industry itself, he’s never really expected to depart so blatantly and directly instead of fading into the unknown, (Perhaps it’s a Frozen reference who knows? Johnny’s gotten so sick of that movie after the countless amount of times Jongdae’s kid has made him watch it when he visits) The company claims that they’re now open-minded, a clever method to bait international fans yet quench the undying amount of homophobia in Asian society.

Johnny never thought that falling in love could be so fucking political but it is. Because when you’re an 18 year old Korean-American boy confused whether or not you like girls, boys or both, and you meet this charming disaster of a Thai boy, you never think about it that way. You think, ‘Huh’, perhaps I’m bisexual. You don’t think that you’re going to end up with him forever, you don’t think about the kinks about your would-be relationship in the eyes of the world, you see it through your own.

But Johnny’s much older now, he turned 29 last February and he’s only a few months shy of 30. He’s grown now, he’s got his shit sorted out and he’s seen his friends grow up and exit their past gracefully, his au revoir won’t be as incandescent but he’s willing to take it.

So after a few moments, Johnny nods patiently, “Yeah, I know.”

☆ 

**Past, January 2014**  


Johnny doesn’t understand how he ended up here. It’s 2 AM and he’s drunk beyond measure, a few soju bottles are littered around the room, something that would infuriate Taeyong but he was belligerent and hungover too, meaning that they’ll only deal with it in the morning. Hey, that’s the thing about turning 19 though.

What he knows is he’s being dragged by a smaller figure to the balcony and very determinedly so. He’s not sure if it’s Taeil or one of the younger kids but he’s not in the right state of mind to complain about anything, instead when they arrive he rubs his eyes in an attempt to identify the male in question.

When he realizes it’s Ten, Johnny immediately sobers up. They’ve got that sort of relationship where they’re constantly flirting, openly at that, at the demise of the other trainees. Johnny isn’t sure whether Ten means it, afterall the Thai male teases everyone disregardless of who they were. But if there’s one thing that Johnny Suh is convinced of, it’s that Ten Li is the only exception, he’s the person who makes his heart race wildly and he’s the only person to make him feel alive.

Their occasional midnight rendezvous to the convenience store are the highlights of his otherwise symmetrical life. Who knew that catching up indefinitely over cheesy ramen and canned soda could be so fucking romantic? Mark teases him infinitely that they’re dates in disguise but he’s always shrugged the younger boy’s comments away. But the more Johnny thinks, the more he notices that he’s right. He can’t deny how much he stares at Ten’s eyes and thinks, wow, they do fucking sparkle in the shade of the full moon.

Johnny’s not a moron, Ten’s beyond attractive, but he never thought he’d be one to fall for him because of that. And as time passes and their schedules get more intertwined, they begin to see one another more than they had expected. What used to be awkward ‘hellos and ‘goodbyes in the kitchen at 2 AM have slowly blossomed into this friendship of sorts.

This causes a lot of revelations, first of which, he’s finally got someone to confide in about his concerns, worries, and everything else in between without struggling between languages. Johnny also notices that Ten’s sort of leaning on him, not that he’s complaining because for once, he’s not disgruntled to translate for once. And based on the amount of disgruntled protests from the other trainees, Johnny deduces that it’s quite significant.

Johnny can't help but fall for the little things about Ten, the way he cries during indie flicks that they downloaded off of pirated sites online, the way his eyes light up when he dances. The way his hands are always gesturing to things in the street, and even Johnny can’t deny how fucking hot his slight British accent is. Johnny hates to admit it but Chittaphon has him wrapped around his finger more than he’d ever dare to state.

“Youngho.”

“Don’t call me that.” Johnny slurs, his eyes avert Ten’s gaze, he’s staring into the abysmal night life of Seoul. They’re fortunate enough that they’ve moved to a better floor, one far above the ground and they’re finally allowed to do shit that they want whilst examining the blinking lights and taking in the traffic down below.

“Johnny, I heard you earlier.”

The American boy flushes a bright red, he’s never felt so embarrassed in his life before. He recounts his words, he’s convinced that he had run his mouth about his fat crush with Ten to the rest of the ‘95 guys and Taeil over alcohol, (That they’ve just legally acquired for the first time) Frankly he can’t remember his exacts words but he’s not doubtful that he’s said some things that he wishes were retractable.

“Shit.” He fumbles as he turns to face Ten who’s wearing this ratty cardigan with his arms crossed tightly. He’s got that smug expression on his face again that Johnny can only wish to wipe off his face, or even better, kiss it away. “I’m so fucking sorry if I offended you-”

“I like you too.”

You know that feeling when you think that the universe is by your side for once? It’s a sparse feeling, something you get only once in a lifetime. That’s exactly how Johnny felt as he presses his lips onto Ten’s as some not-so obscure pop melody plays on the radio inside. He thinks it’s One Direction but he’s not sure.

☆ 

**Present, November 2024**  


The plane ride to Incheon is ambient and silent, the news had been broken the night prior and the 8 members sitting on the plane had their lips sealed. It’s not safe to say a word in a semi-public setting, especially with the apparent strangers sprinkled amongst them. However, they’re fortunate enough to fly first class and have some space between each other.

Johnny thinks about how his members were all so supportive, he never really expected them to be so bluntly by his side. He supposes they all saw it coming for a long time, especially with Taeyong and Taeil already on military leave and Doyoung’s turn approaching hurriedly. They’re all growing up and it was about time that they started to depart from their nest.

He’s not sure how the Dreamies came to acknowledgement but he supposes that Mark and Donghyuck must have something to do with it. It’s inane for Johnny to think that they’re all adults and no longer the kids that he used to practically babysit for years. He knows that practically most of his members have started to nurture lives outside of their career and it was a matter of time before they all started to come clean.

Johnny glances across the aisle to Yuta and Sicheng, they’re arguing animatedly about anime or sports, either way the two of them seem rather absorbed. He remembers how heartbroken they were when Sicheng was put on indefinite hiatus from 127 when a manager spotted them holding hands affectionately in a supposedly empty corridor. Well, to be technical, Yuta was far beyond infuriated but that’s a story for another time.

To be fair, Johnny’s unaware of how they managed to get Sicheng back in the group despite their relationship being forced to come to light without their consent and on their timing. But if there’s one thing that Yuta is fantastic at, it’s that he’s undoubtedly one of the most convincing people on this planet. Johnny shakes his head at the thought, he knows that Yuta’s thought about leaving SM for an awful long time but last he heard, the Japanese male was still doubtful of his decisions.

It’s not his business, Johnny thinks, but he can’t help but think how they’re all about to spread apart from one another. He opens his bag and a plethora of letters peek out, he managed to collect more than he could count during the Parade a few days ago. Johnny’s not one for reading books but something about flipping through the messages and examining the hand-picked words that his fans have chosen for him has always meant something different.

They’re nothing out of the ordinary, they’re filled with gratitude and best wishes, the sweet stuff that makes your teeth filled with cavities. Johnny appreciates them nonetheless, it’s the sort of thing that he’d call bullshit in his youth but he’s older now, he knows that these letters speak the truth. Because if the past few years have taught him one thing, it’s that one song can change someone’s life and never to underestimate the impact of any person or object on someone else’s world.

He can only hope that Ten feels that way about him.

☆ 

**Past, April 2016**  


Jealousy isn’t something Johnny’s experienced in a long time, not since that one day in May of 2013. But he can’t help but feel the disgustingly embarrassing emotion bubble up within as he sees Ten and Mark performing the 7th Sense on Music Bank with Jaehyun and the rest. He’s supposed to be up there, with them, they’re his best friends. He feels like the universe is toying and pulling at his heart strings (Or perhaps it’s his company, who knows? As time passes by, the two things start to blend together) on purpose.

So there he sat, on the slightly better sofa of a slightly better dorm with Donghyuck laying his head on his lap flipping through the channels with a scowl on his face. Johnny knows better than to empathize with the 16 year old beside him, afterall the younger is debuting pretty soon too. But he can’t help but feel some pity, afterall he remembers the look of utter disappointment on the younger boy’s face when his name wasn’t called out to debut with NCT U after recording his segments with so much effortless prowess. Fuck the company or whoever was in charge of the song, Hyuck’s vocals suited it incredibly well.

The doorbell rings and enters the 5 members who were just seen on the television, Ten runs to him, he’s sweaty beyond measure but Johnny doesn’t seem to mind as he receives a plethora of kisses on his cheeks and a weak back hug. Donghyuck groans and so does Mark, but the rest merely shake their head, thankful Manager Park didn’t enter the dorm with them, instead opting to get an early night’s rest

Stories are shared as they lounge on the kitchen island, everyone else is asleep, Johnny thinks. He’s not sure, he hopes that Yuta isn’t flirting with (Or worse, fucking) the new Chinese trainee. He knows that Hansol’s leave wasn’t easy for any of them, but he knows that the Japanese male took it the hardest amongst them all. Forced laughter is regurgitated from Johnny’s lips, and Ten acknowledges it so he takes him to the balcony, dragging the taller by the wrist and with a whisper of mischief on his lips.

“Are you okay?” Ten questions in English, it’s stiff after an entire day of blabbering away in semi-fluent Korean but Johnny doesn’t mind.

"Yeah.” Johnny’s answer is short but he tries to be as supportive of a boyfriend as he can, Johnny tries not to be so obvious but it’s difficult. He can’t place his hand on Ten’s cheek in fear of their neighbors seeing them nor can he hug him, but this is the only place they can be away from their nosy members.

“I can tell you’re lying Youngho.” Ten teases, he intertwines their fingers together, he doesn’t seem to care whether or not someone’s going to see them. He’s being brave as he calls Johnny by his Korean name, something that ticks off the latter more than anything in the whole entire world.

“Don’t call me that.”

“I’ll stop calling you that if you tell me what’s wrong.” Ten huffs, he’s much shorter than Johnny but from the way he’s speaking, it seems like it’s quite the opposite. “Youngho.” He adds causing the American male to roll his eyes sarcastically.

“Alright, I’m jealous.” Johnny announces, he says it soft enough so that Mark or Jaehyun doesn’t hear, the former having the hearing abilities of a fucking bat.

“Jealous of what?” Ten’s so naive and ignorant, Johnny thinks.

“Jealous of you all, I’ve been stuck here in the company for 8 years and yet I haven’t debuted, they haven’t even told me anything yet.” Johnny murmurs, he’s holding back from spitting out words that can hurt, he knows that he shouldn’t be ruining Ten’s special day. He thinks by saying it in whispers it lessens the effect but Ten understands. Time is cruel.

“Babe.” Ten says after a moment of silence, the only sound being the crickets chirping and some Korean ripoff of CSI on the television dozing on and on. “Just wait, they’ll tell you soon.” Ten leans his head onto Johnny’s shoulder, it fits so perfectly, they slot together like puzzle pieces. It’s stupid to think about how perfect they are for one another.

It’s such a dumbfounded and bullshit sentence that Johnny would’ve scoffed at if it came from anyone else’s mouth. But it was Ten. The latter never opens his lips to say anything remotely soft but when he does, the effects are life changing. Because that very morning after their round(s) of beer and drunken promises, he gets a call that tells him that he’ll be debuting in the span of less than a year.

Johnny’s learned from a young age that jealousy is infectious and a terrible disease but perhaps he ought to feel it more often, because it’s always brought him the best news after.

☆ 

**Present, December 2024**  


It’s Christmas time, but unfortunately for the boys of NCT, it’s not a holiday. They’re all rushing about backstage of the SBS building, sweat dripping off their foreheads as stylists dab their faces to remove excess makeup. Johnny sees the rookies running back and forth, some of them are crying and some of them have intense determination glimmering through their eyes. They’ve just wrapped up their intense 30 minute long program, switching from unit to unit, and finally finishing it with a performance with all of them together as an ensemble as the cherry on top.

Johnny waves tiredly as he spots Joshua Hong from Seventeen, he’s the only ‘95 liner remaining in the group now. He’s still not used to not seeing the familiar faces around him, in a sense. As the years pass by, the hallways at broadcasting studios seem lonelier despite the influx of younger idols from various backgrounds and array of countries. It’s an inexplicable feeling yet it remains there, stuck in the back of his mind.

“Hey, how are you?” Joshua begins the conversation, his English is stiff but it’s understandable, they’ve all become acclimated to speak in Korean. He’s holding a plastic water bottle as he leans back on the door to his group’s dressing room. It’s large, but that’s expected from a group with more than 10 members.

“I’m okay.”

It’s quiet between them, there’s not much to say, they’re only acquaintances and they’re not quite friends either. Johnny only knows that Joshua has been dating this girl from his hometown of L.A for absolutely ages and that their relationship is out in the open air for his fans to acknowledge. He remembers scrolling through a few articles on Naver about it but never really spoke about it with anyone.

“Hey so uh, how did you come to the conclusion that you would like, talk about your relationship openly?”

Johnny instantly cringes at his question, he could’ve phrased it better but his brain isn’t thinking straight.

“Oh. Well, I figured our fans have all grown up at this point, they all know better than to crap on who I loved so we decided to.” His answer is simple and Joshua says it in such a nonchalant manner that Johnny would’ve thought that he was talking about anything but dating in the industry.

He supposes that thing could be equally as easy for him, but then again he’s not dating a Christian Korean-American food blogger from Silicon Valley. He’s stuck with a sharp and witty, lithe Chinese-Thai dancer who also happens to be his Bandmate. Johnny clicks his tongue and shakes his head at Joshua’s blatant statement.

“Wait. You’re dating Ten right?” Joshua quips head to face the taller, he bears a quizzical expression on his face as if he wasn’t sure whether what his conclusion was correct.

“Yup.”

“Dude, you know I’m not against it or whatever but won’t that get you killed by your company?” His words are genuine but honest and straight to the point. Johnny’s instantly pleased that he decided to speak to the fellow American especially with his members all being very opinionated and subjective people.

“That’s why.” Johnny nods, he finds a lollipop in his pocket, he momentarily considers unwrapping it and chucking it in his mouth but stuffs it back, it’s not the right time. “I thought that we could make it somehow, especially with things changing nowadays. But you’re right.” He adds as he nods to the television on the screen, displaying the newest multicultural co-ed group performing another radio single.

“As much as we want the industry to change, it’s practically impossible.” Joshua sighs as he joins to watch the performance, they both can’t help but nod their heads to the rhythm of the song. “Take it from Seungcheol and Jeonghan, they’ve both decided that they’ll never come out to the public and stuff.”

For a moment Johnny waits for the shorter male to wince at exposing the reality of his members but it never comes.

“Same with Yuta and Sicheng.” Johnny responds, he heard from Yuta the other day that he’ll be ending his contract with SM when Johnny and Ten do so, if things go as planned of course. He knows that the two of them are dependent on their careers in Asia and that it’s simply not worthed to live their lives with hungry stomachs.

They’re stating the unspoken reality of the industry that they can’t change. Johnny is glad that he spoke with Joshua though, because as the two of them speak they see that things are slowly moving forward, but the changes aren’t fast enough to sustain all of their decisions. 

Johnny knows that he’ll miss the scent of hairspray and sweat, he knows he’ll reminisce his outlandish outfits on stage.

But he knows that Ten matters more to him than anything in the whole world, even _this_ one.

☆ 

**Present, January 2025**  


Christmas was a bland affair, another year-end performance followed by another compulsory company dinner. It’s past midnight and they’ve all just rung in the new year, but with most of them bridging into their mid-to-late twenties, they’re spending it together at the dorm together watching some gory movie on Netflix.

Despite the difficulty to arrange so many men around a single television screen in the limited space that they have, they manage. Doyoung and Kun try though, they’re the statutory parental figures due to Taeil and Taeyong’s absences. It’s funny to think that despite their maknae being 22 already, the younger ones (the older members too, at that) are still quite a mess.

Johnny appreciates it though, it’s not often all of them spend time together outside of scheduling. He’s grateful that he’s met every single one of the boys surrounding him, he’s so proud of all of them for how much they’ve grown from the immature foolish children they used to be. Johnny finds Donghyuck leaning his head on Renjun’s shoulder, he remembers the former’s massive crush on Mark when they were kids up until they became adults. He’s glad that he’s moved on and that he’s found someone to love who loves him back.

Frankly, Johnny’s glad to see that they’re all together. He knows that most of them have moved out of the main dorm but moments like this bring him peace that he never expected from the wreck of a bunch he’s a part of. He’s seated beside Ten, of course, the smaller man is engrossed at the screen, he has his round glasses perched on the edge of his nose, looking like a critic examining expensive art. In reality, he’s just judging Pennywise with the utmost scrutiny one could have.

He notices how Ten is whispering to Hendery about how shitty of a job the stylist did with the costume, but the latter male is practically half asleep with his head on Xiaojun’s lap. The male in question combing through the younger’s hair mindlessly as his eyes are kept trained on the screen, anticipating the next jump-scare. Johnny cups his own head with his hand, it’s such an amicably distinct Ten move, and as he’s said a million times before, it’s one of those things about him.

Everything about Chittaphon makes Johnny so fucking in love with him, it’s the way he’s so critical of everything and himself, the way he’s so passionate about artistry in all its forms, the way he loves to grow out his hair to see how far he can go without getting tormented by their hair-stylists. The list goes on and on in the most cliche of fashion, but Johnny doesn’t mind. He doesn’t mind that all rules and things he’s set up for himself gets thrown out of the window when it comes to Ten.

Johnny used to scoff at cheesy Tumblr quotes his former classmates used to reblog back in the States, but he gets it now. He gets how love has its weird and questionable timings, he understands how love comes and leaves when it wants to. They’ve both had their fair share of problems and obstacles thrown at them, but Johnny knows that they deserve their happy ending at the end of the day.

And as he drags Ten to the balcony despite his disgruntled complaints, Johnny finally acknowledges that love makes us do stupid things.  
“What is it now Youngho?” Ten asks, he’s tired, it’s evident why, he’s 28 now and he just did an incredibly demanding dance routine at 10 PM. In addition to euphoria, time has also brought forth pain and soreness too.

“Ten, I don’t know if it’s the right time.” Johnny starts off, he’s trembling as he reaches for his back pocket, his fingers are twitching and he’s sincerely nervous. Now it’s Ten’s turn to quirk an eyebrow at his odd gestures. “But when is the right time when you’ve been in love with the same person for the past 11 years?” He adds with a half chuckle.

The box is still masked in plain sight from Ten, thank the darkness of early dawn.

“I’ve loved you for so long yet I can still remember the day it clicked in me, that damn, I love you Ten.” Johnny whispers, it’s so chilly that every word out his mouth is cloaked with the resulting vapor in the air.

“What’s going on?” Ten’s heart is racing and Johnny can tell, he’s got that expression in his face when he’s trying to disguise his anxiety with ignorance.

“It was during one of our convenience store misadventures when we were 18.” Johnny continues off, ignoring Ten’s question, he’s unsure whether or not he’s supposed to go one knee yet, “You were debating between coca cola or fanta, and right when I wanted to say sprite, it just hit me.”

And it did, the moment is clear to Johnny as day, it was almost an epiphany of sorts. A sudden cognizance that everything about Ten made butterflies flutter in his stomach.

“I love you Chittaphon, and I still do everyday, from when I was a stupid 18 year old boy,” Johnny repeats his words, he stumbles over a few of them as he finally kneels and that’s when Ten’s expectations are confirmed. “And even when we’re thousands of miles apart, I love you.”

“Johnny Suh, I swear to god if you are-”

“Ten Li, will you marry me?”

The ring is beautiful, it’s this radiant violet amethyst that represents their shared birth month of February. Johnny used to think birthstones and all that horoscope and astrology stuff was pure bullshit. But as he’s confirmed earlier, love makes us believe and do the most questionable of things. So when he’s stuck between two diamonds on that day in New York City and partially considering just getting both, it strikes him.

He remembers this one conversation they had over the phone, it wasn’t anything serious but it’s stuck with him.

_“You’re an Aquarius right?” Ten asks lazily, it’s dead late in China but this is the only time that Johnny can afford to call him in between promotions._

_“Yeah, I think.” Johnny responds, he’s not the most avid reader of astrological signs and their predictions, he thinks it’s pretty much rubbish spewed especially for hippies._

_“I read in a book that Aquarians and Pisceses aren’t meant to be soulmates-”_

_“A book? Really, Ten?” It’s evident that Johnny isn’t convinced._

_“Fine, I was browsing the internet.” Ten huffs, there are times when he hates how the American male knew him so well, “Anyways, but we aren’t meant to be enemies either, we were meant to be neutral.”_

_“What does that mean?” Johnny questions, he’s frankly quite lost._

_“It means that astrology is bullshit, because we’re definitely soulmates.” Ten answers bluntly, almost snorting in a sense, it’s not pretty to say the least._

_“How are you so sure?” Johnny laughs in response, he tries to hide the excitement and pure joy that Ten’s words have brought him. It feels like 10 years have been added to his lifespan, suddenly he thinks he’s on the top of the whole world._

_“I just know.”_

_“You’re so naive.”_

_“Shut up!” Ten dismisses the older male’s words jokingly, “But I did look up something, people born in February are meant to be with someone that makes every day different for them.” He bites his lip as he says this, he’s hinting something._

_“Oh.”_

_“Oh what?”_

_And after a moment, Ten pierces the silent as he says, “I suppose February is our thing now.” It’s a wish almost._

_“I suppose it is.”_

“You remembered?” Ten sighs as he outreaches his hand to Johnny, his eyes are watery too now, it’s the first time the latter has seen him like this in years. But this time, he’s glad that it’s for this reason. The ring’s a perfect fit.

“Of course I did.” Johnny says after he manages to slide the ring with the faint purple gem on Ten’s ring finger that has always been kept empty. “You know you still haven’t said yes right?” He adds after a moment, he’s still in the same position and frankly it’s getting quite awkward in all admittance.

“Of course it’s a yes, dumbass.” Ten scoffs as he pulls Johnny up and brings him in a kiss, it’s a slowburn and suddenly it feels like they’re at the end (Well not quite, but you get it) of a rom-com movie and things are finally working out for the main characters.

The kiss is like any other with Ten, it makes Johnny feel whole again after a god awful day of being berated whilst he’s working his ass off. Johnny doesn’t know if he’s dreaming but he swears that Donghyuck is playing that god-forsaken One Direction (Was it 18? He’s not sure to be honest) song on purpose from inside. Laughter and wolf-whistles are heard from the inside, but Johnny couldn’t care less.

Because for once he can’t disagree with Harry Styles this time, because from the moment he was a stupid 18 year old boy who had absolutely nothing in common with him, Johnny has been in love with Ten Li more than he can ever dare to admit.

“I guess this is our song then.”

“It’s so fucking cheesy though.”

“I know, but as long as I’m with you, it’s fine.”

Above all, it feels just right. Because being with Ten felt like coming home, if home smelled like floral Giorgio Armani cologne.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is superbly cheesy and frankly I wrote this as word-vomit and as a bridge between writing the emotional mess that is Strangers to my upcoming 'Set It Up' inspired Markhyuck fic that I'm currently working on. I’m also well aware that 18 by One Direction was released in mid-late 2014, but for the purpose of this fic I let it play in the background in the start of 2014! Nonetheless, I feel like this work has a lot of meaning to me in its own way. Please don't be hesitant to share your thoughts and to leave kudos if you enjoyed reading it. Find me on! [Twitter](https://twitter.com/ODETO10) and [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/gymewm6sqkr42wxfdibu8612e?si=pY85msJ-T6m5IpJJ-AO8kw)  
> \- Sincerely, Leemin


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